My Feet Left The Edge
by The Veteran of Depression
Summary: This was written for theoutsidersfan98 for telling me what her favorite song was. This one-shot was created around Linkin Park's Leave Out All The Rest. This is Ponyboy writing letters to Johnny after he died. Rated T for suicidal thoughts and death. In memory of all those gone by suicide and in the hope I can talk someone out of it. I'm depressed and know the feelings.


**Thank you to theoutsidersfan98 for telling me what her favorite song was. This one-shot was created around Linkin Park's Leave Out All The Rest. **

**This story is written as if Ponyboy is writing in a journal and talking to Johnny. He's also thinking about suicide. The italics are the song lyrics that inspired those parts of the story and the specific things written in the four letters.**

**Disclaimer: All rights go to respective peoples. **

Writing letters has always been this thing for me. Ever since the incident a couple years back I've been writing letters to Johnny to make me feel like he's still here. They aren't helping anymore. I went through and read them and picked out three interesting ones. Then I put them next to the other note I wrote a few minutes ago. I decided I might as well read them one last time. Get one last look at the worst week of my life that led me to do what I am about to do.

_I dreamed I was missing_

_You were so scared_

_But no one would listen_

_'Cause no one else cared_

Dear Johnny,

I know you won't ever read this letter, but I need to get this out to you somehow. Hopefully you're up there watching over me and see this.

I still have memories of the night we ran away. I feel like I could have prevented it. You had always been so scared you'd get jumped again. And I remember you saying you wanted to live in a world without greasers and socs and all the problems that come with it. Thanks for letting me sit with you in the lot that night. Talking about all that stuff really helped.

Know that I won't forget you. I could never do that to my best friend who was more than that. You were family, Johnnycake.

-Ponyboy

_After my dreaming_

_I woke with this fear_

_What am I leaving_

_When I'm done here?_

Dear Johnny,

I really feel like an idiot for dragging you into my problems. I fell asleep in the lot and got Darry all worried. I didn't need to take you with me when I "ran away." If we hadn't run away, we wouldn't have gotten jumped. And we wouldn't have had to run away. And you would have gotten to something besides bologna for a week. And you would have finished reading Gone With the Wind with me, or we wouldn't have started reading it at all. And then you wouldn't have gotten your back busted. And then you wouldn't have died. And Dally wouldn't have gotten himself killed. And I wouldn't have nightmares about it all the time. And I wouldn't be ranting to you through a letter. I wouldn't have to be ranting to anyone.

-Ponyboy

_Don't be afraid_

_I've taken my beating_

_I've shared what I've made_

_I'm strong on the surface_

_Not all the way through_

_I've never been perfect_

_But neither have you _

Dear Johnny,

When I sat down today, I thought about the letter you wrote me. You told me to tell Dally to watch a sunset and, since I never did, I feel real horrible on the inside. Always have, always will. But you also told me to tell him there was good in the world. And now, after all the jumpings and rumbles and other fiascos that have gone on between the two sides of Tulsa, I realize that there is good in the world, just not here. So I'm gonna leave and come pay you a long awaited visit.

-Ponyboy

_When my time comes_

_Forget the wrong that I've done_

_Help me leave behind some_

_Reasons to be missed_

_Don't resent me_

_And when you're feeling empty_

_Keep me in your memory_

_Leave out all the rest_

_Forgetting all the hurt inside_

_You've learned to hide so well_

_Pretending someone else can come_

_And save me from myself_

_I can't be who you are _

Dear Who Ever The Misfortunate Soul To Find Me Is,

Time and time again I try to forget that night. But it doesn't work. If I block out that memory I'll forget all the people and things connected to it. And I just can't do that. I'll forget Johnny and Dallas. I'll forget Bob and Randy and Cherry. I'll forget Jim Wood. I'll forget the doctor that let us in to see Johnny and the nurses that took care of him. I'll forget the rumble. I'll forget the victory of the socs. I'll forget the switchblades and hair grease. I'll forget the cigarettes and beer. I'll forget the cars and the hitchhiking. I'll forget Tulsa. And I can't forget a memory like that. I've tried to block out all the pain and hide it so I don't burden anyone else with the memory I refuse to forget. But that doesn't work. So I have one thing I want to say before I go: Stay gold.

-Ponyboy

I finished reading the last letter and put it on top of the pile. Then I stood on the tub and said my last words. "I tried to stay gold, Johnny. I really did. I'm sorry that I couldn't."

And my feet left the edge of the bath tub.

**This is another story written in memory of those lost to suicide. And another chance for me to tell people that it isn't worth it. Even though I can't tell myself that. **

**Stay Gold**


End file.
